A few years ago I wrote an awesome post about my life as a CSI and how I primarily work death investigations. Apparently I deleted it or am too tired to find it so let’s do this again, shall we?
I think a lot of people have a glamorous idea of suicide. I’ve seen hangings, gunshot wounds, suicides by cop, overdose, drowning and jumping. I wouldn’t categorize any of them as glamorous. The human body is amazing but there are just some things that it just can’t overcome.
Let me first start off by saying that there is ALWAYS somebody you can talk to. Even if you literally have not one friend or family member, there are hotlines you can call. If someone you know has made an outcry there are steps you can take as well (check the link). Oh you don’t want to waste anyone’s time on what may be a joke or offhand remark? I just spent 5 hours at a suicide. If it was just a stupid outcry then a patrol officer would have spent MAYBE 30 minutes checking on them and giving them some resources/numbers. Nobody is a waste of time. Better safe than sorry.
So back to what happens.
Somebody will find you. Maybe 5 minutes after. Maybe 5 days after. Boom, their life is forever changed by that image. Live with your parents? Way to fuck them up. Nana? Yeah way to go. Roommate off Craigslist? You are at least inconveniencing them majorly and they will be pissed and their name is on the lease too so there goes the security deposit.
Suicides are almost always messy. No matter which method you choose you are going to leave a mess. Are you a private person that likes to keep to yourself? Guess what, I’m going through every square inch of your apartment. A trash can full of tuna fish cans, a prescription for Viagra, 27 empty beer cans, porn, sex toys, paychecks, underwear, utility bills…I’m touching all of it. I’ll get a warrant for your laptop and phone too. I’ll see that you like kiddie porn or lesbian jello wrestling. And when I leave…your family gets to go through it all too. Do you have renters/homeowners insurance? I worked a scene where a guy shot himself in one room. The cost was $5000 for a company to do a biohazard cleanup. Hope your family is well off.
Did you think ahead and prepay your funeral and grave? LOLOL, Hope your family is real well off.
Do you have a job? A pet? A car? Own mineral rights on family land? All issues.
Are you religious? Are your parents? Do you have siblings? A significant other?
Think how you would feel if anyone you were close to killed themselves and you were left to pick up the pieces. Breaking the lease, sitting at the tax office trying to get the title of a car transferred over, shelling out thousands of dollars, taking in pets, writing obituaries, deciding what outfit they should be buried in, talking to insurance, calling friends and family, etc.
Just don’t. I know I can’t eradicate suicide from the planet but if it were possible, I would be all over that. I’ve gotten so immune to the actual death that I don’t care anymore. I won’t remember your name or your toe tag number. But what I remember is the lady wailing as the gurney takes the body bag down the sidewalk. The dad with tears in his eyes when I sign over your wallet and keys. The brothers and sisters who can’t look me in the eye when I walk out with bags of evidence and blood all over my uniform.
At the end of the day I go to work, upload the photos, dump the evidence off and go home to my family. I watch tv, eat a burger and get a good night’s sleep. I may cry in the shower or after James has fallen asleep because I can’t keep going on being immune to this forever.
What will your family be doing that same night?
There is always someone to help.
And if you know someone who is dealing with depression or has threatened suicide. BE THEIR HELP. You don’t want the grief that comes with having ignored someones pleas for help.